May 21st: Judgment Day

Matthew Torino May 12, 2011 0

May 21, 2012 will be Judgment Day. If you believe in the Mayan prophecies or the religious such as Reverend Camping, the world will be ending in about a week in a half. So what do you have to do to get ready for the rapture? We at have you covered!

First of all, the History Channel tells me that these Mayan prophecies are real. Well at least I think they do since they always air shows about them and Nostradamus and all that stuff that they have to be real. They also aired a special on drugs and Hitler and that was real so this must be too. The History Channel doesn’t usually air anything besides Nazi-related programming besides their reality shows so it must be legitimate.

Second of all, when have the religious ever been wrong? Creationism’s real right? Right? /Looks up in science books. Okay maybe not. But what about Adam and Eve? Well that would’ve required incest assuming Cain and Able were their only kids so I guess they wouldn’t be down with that. Oh and Scientologists are religious too so that doesn’t exactly help them.

Still they’re closer to God just ask them. Point organized religion.

So what are you supposed to do over the next ten days? Say goodbye to your loved ones? Why? If this is actually happening you’re getting pulled up to heaven or dropped to hell right with them so there’s no point in that. You should do something awesome instead.

You should do something like try to capture animals and domesticate them so you can be a real life Pokemon trainer. Awesome. You should eat lots and lots of things that are bad for you like cheeseburgers, fat sandwiches, donuts, and whatever else you can think of. Make milksteak with a side of jelly beans, raw.

Ask out that woman you’ve always been in love with. Sure she’ll say no but hey it’s the old college try.

Go streaking somewhere inappropriate. Everyone will be too caught up in the freaking rapture to give a damn about your micropenis.

Go burn down a Subway since their sandwiches suck and are soggy and Jared’s a jerk. Some of us don’t get endorsement deals for losing weight on our own.

Steal Snooki’s money. She didn’t earn it. Better yet, act out the bank robbery scene from the introduction to the Dark Knight where everyone has masks on except YOU get to be the Joker and kill everyone else. Then use that money to go crazy and wipe yourself with $100 bills.

Try to see if you can get hit by a car and survive. That’d be a badass story if the world doesn’t end. The other side of it….it’s your own risk. It’s the rapture after all. Die now or later.

Go to Fox and burn the last 10 seasons of the Simpsons. Nobody needs to see those EVER AGAIN. And burn the last five years of Family Guy too. And all of the Cleveland Show.

Try to help bring back Reese’s Crunchy Cookie Cups and Surge!

There’s really so much I want you to do you want to do in your life that you should make it all happen over the next ten days while you’re still amongst the living. Sure you can get Phil Hartman to act out your script of NewsRadio in the afterlife but until then, you’ve just got us and we’ve got you.

Tell the world to shove it and do some awesome karate moves and beat some guys up. It’s your world and you might only have it for ten more days. 

Leave A Response »

Are you a human? *

%d bloggers like this: