Ian Cummings: This place is just awful I have got to get out of here.
Phil Frazier: I feel ya man. They’re just holdin’ us down like that Christina Aguilera song said.
Ian Cummings: I don’t think we’ve done anything of merit for the last 5 years and now everyone hates us.
Phil Frazier: Hey does that make me Lil’ Kim if you’re Christina?
Ian Cummings: Maybe I should just leave. Maybe I should go follow those other guys nobody’s ever heard of to the promised land.
Phil Frazier: Where’s that I?
Ian Cummings: Anywhere that isn’t the laughingstock of the sports gaming industry.
Phil Frazier: So anywhere but here?
Ian Cummings: Yup. But I guess I gots to tell the boss first.
Phil Frazier: Isn’t that me?
Ian Cummings: No. They promoted Ortiz just to get him out of here.
**
Ian Cummings: Uh Dave my man may I have a word with you?
David Ortiz: Si, Si mi hermano. Whasyo problemo?
Ian Cummings: I just don’t think I can work here anymore. I just don’t like the direction the series is going anymore.
David Ortiz: You nee a lil’ juice mi man? Got lots extra after Manny retire.
Ian Cummings: No, no. Is there anybody else I need to speak to?
David Ortiz: You speak to Terry yet? He my boss. He tell me to hit ball far and only look right.
Ian Cummings: I’ll just go ask somebody else. Thanks though.
**
Ian Cummings: Hey Frank can I come in?
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Frank: Boom? Boom! Ian Cummings! BOOM! What can I do for ya!
Ian Cummings: Look Frank, I know EA just hired you to do John Madden voiceovers in the next game since everyone already hates Collinsworth, but everybody’s sick of it. Just tone it down.
Frank Caliendo: Boom?
Ian Cummings: No boom. Frank no go boom boom. Everybody’s sick of your impression.
Frank (serious tone): You know Ian you shouldn’t talk to one of your bosses like this. I could have you canned in a day.
Ian Cummings: That’s why I wanted to talk. I need to get out of here. I’m going to hand in my papers tomorrow.
Frank: Just sleep on it Ian. Just sleep on it and we’ll sign it in the morning. By the way, don’t tell any of the big wigs like Ortiz that you saw me like this or they’ll can me too. Dig?
Ian Cummings: I diggy do.
Frank: YOU DIG?
Ian Cummings (sheepishly): Yeahhh…. /runs out the door.
**
Ian Cummings went outside to have a beer during his usual lunch break with gaming hipster Maltzy. He was a game tester at EA and always told them they were wrong just because everything was too mainstream but they still appreciated his outside views.
Maltzy: Hey man don’t let them get to you. I know you love Madden, but that’s so…mainstream. Just forget this and go work on some PSN games or something. You know how big those get and how many people like them right?
Ian Cummings: None?
Maltzy: Exactly.
Ian Cummings: I don’t know Maltzy, I love Madden and always have but I don’t know if it’s right for me anymore. The whole company just seems to be hackneyed joke after hackneyed joke and I’m afraid this rant and whole conversation is getting too meta but I don’t know what to do about it.
Maltzy: This is getting too much like Community.
Ian Cummings: I didn’t think you’d watch network TV.
Maltzy: I’m only a gaming hipster. I love Friends too. I’m a man of many layers. I’m like an onion.
Ian Cummings: So you like Shrek?
Maltzy: Yeah but my favorite movie’s Fred Claus. Love Giamatti in everything but Sidways.
**
Maltzy had made Ian discover that maybe there was more to life than working your dream job when it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. Things weren’t always just as you’d expected. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and that’s what led Ian Cummings to leave the EA Tiburon Studio obviously.
Ian Cummings: Here’s my letter of resignation boss. I realized there’s more to life and all that. I reached and surpassed my dream but see that there’s more. Much more. I want to feel like I’m making a difference in this world. I don’t want to be part of the most hated franchise anymore.
Suit: Ok Ian while I don’t love your decision I support it. You can’t pigeonhole yourself and only stick to one job forever. Even Donald Trump is trying to run for President. Nobody can stay curled up for too long. It just doesn’t work that way.
Ian Cummings: I know that. It’s just too much. Maybe I’ll come back when Madden is more up again but right now it’s just too much to me especially as the PR guy. Everyone hates me in particular.
Suit: I fully support your decision. If that’s how it has to be, that’s how it has to be.
Ian Cummings: Don’t worry though I’m not going to resurrect that awful 2K Football franchise once your exclusive deal is over.
Suit: Good we don’t need any more god awful games like ESPN NFL 2K5 out there again.
/laughs from both.
**
Maltzy: My work here is done, Ian. Wherever a gaming developer or gamer needs to realize that not everything is about the AAA titles I’ll be there.
Ian Cummings: Thanks Maltzy, I don’t know where I’d be without you.
Maltzy: Making an awful football game?
Ian Cummings: Hey! Still not as bad as 2K5!
/even more laughs
