Ah, America. Land of the free and home of the brave. We salute you, and tomorrow on July 4th we will give a toast to our ancestors’ revolutionary streak by celebrating our Independence Day. We’ll gather with friends around a jumbo-sized American-style grill stuffing our mouths with numerous forms of grilled meats (fuck that seitan bullshit) and washing it all down with mediocre watery not-even-really-American-anymore Budweiser beer. I can’t imagine our Founding Fathers wanting us to celebrate any other way.
Of course, we wouldn’t even be in this position to celebrate our nation’s independence if Will Smith didn’t unleash a tall-boy sized can of Whoop-Ass on some alien motherfuckers 16 years ago. So, to honor America’s most prominent leader in history (seriously, when the heck is Will Smith being added to Mount Rushmore…), I give to you a list of some awesome July 4th technology that Will Smith would love.
July 4th is one of those rare days where the beers start flowing right when you wake up. Unless you pace yourself, you could be well on your way to blackout city if you don’t pace yourself. I don’t know about you, but I certainly would not want to fly a fighter jet through canyons while drunk. It’s just not safe, plus the aliens would get away. Fortunately for Will Smith, we have a portable breathalyzer made by BACtrack. The BACtrack Select S80 is BACtrack’s top model, and it has some really great features. The S80 has replaceable mouthpieces for proper hygiene. Readings are reported in a very fast three seconds, and the accuracy of the device is very good with an error of only +/- 0.005%. Armed with a BACtrack S80, Will can have a few brews in the morning, check his BAC, and be ready to kick some alien ass in the afternoon.
Will Smith is known to light up a victory cigar anytime he succeeds in kicking some alien ass (which is often since he’s Will Smith). Any cigar aficionado knows that you need a high-quality lighter to get a smooth start to your cigar. Enter the Zippo Hazardous Black Matte Lighter. This lighter packs a punch and has a sick Bio-Hazard design on it – perfect for lighting up in Area 51 with all their crazy alien bodies. If aliens were ever stupid enough to attack Earth again, Will Smith would be locked and loaded for multiple victory cigar celebrations.
It’s hard to believe that Will Smith helped save the planet only 16 years ago. His excellent flying skills of the alien spaceship were key to the successful mission, though you may recall that he just made it out in time before the alien mothership sealed its bay door (and then exploded). If there ever is another alien attack on Earth again, Will Smith will definitely want a powerful GPS system to help him navigate much quicker.
Thankfully, GPS technology has caught up with alien spacecraft technology. The Garmin nüvi 2595LMT 5-inch portable GPS system is a powerful device that gives drivers (of cars and alien spaceships alike) sweet features like voice navigation, traffic avoidance, and Bluetooth capabilities. Plus, this GPS unit comes with lifetime map updates, which can definitely help since alien motherships are likely quite different.
After an afternoon of kicking alien ass, Will Smith is going to be starving. Thankfully, his buddies back on base have been grilling up some BBQ chicken glazed in Sweet Baby Rays BBQ Sauce! Even though Will Smith’s fellow soldiers are a smart bunch, everyone can use some help making sure their meat is fully cooked through. However, no one wants to sweat over a grill for hours while everyone else gets to enjoy the company of family and friends. This is where the iGrill comes into play.
The iGrill is a grilling thermometer that connects via Bluetooth to any one of your mobile Apple devices (iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch) and sends you real-time temperature readings. All you have to do is choose the desired temperature you want your meat to be (as a rule, higher temperatures means a more well-done dish), grill, and wait for the iGrill to alert you the proper temperature. Never again will you be stuck by the grill instead of hanging with your buddies.
Last but not least, no July 4th is complete without a spectacular fireworks display to end the night. Will Smith knows a lot about this, considering he started a worldwide fireworks display of crashing alien spaceships. Of course, in more peaceful times, we’ll have to result to more tame methods, and as you may have expected, there’s an app for that. The Real Fireworks app displays a stunning show of graphics-generated fireworks on your iPad, and they’re even selling it for 80% off as a July 4th special.
So there you have it, the list of July 4th technology that Will Smith would love. Of course, to all you would-be alien ass kickers out there, I think these devices and apps would suit you fine as well. Tomorrow when July 4th arrives, put the beer on ice, fire up the grill, and watch the best speech of all time. America!